I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize