I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
