why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
