I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
