she looked like the bat from fern gully.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize