i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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