Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize