what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
