That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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