At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
