I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
if only i could text you this smell
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
