Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
