I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
