Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
