I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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