I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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