Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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