I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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