My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
