I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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