"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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