There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
