Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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