no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
