Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize