I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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