Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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