I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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