I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
