he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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