Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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