dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
