the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
