Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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