Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
