Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
