i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
