I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
