Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
