Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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