so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
