please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
