Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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