I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
