shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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