Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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