you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I want to be your penis for a week.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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