Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
