Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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