Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
