if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
