Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
