Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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