Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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