I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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