I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
