why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
