Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
