If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
