Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just blew my weed a kiss
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
