yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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