I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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