Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
