what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize