I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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