Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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