I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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