Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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