You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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