My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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