I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
