I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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